So how do you know the difference between helping and enabling? Helping is doing something for another person when they are not capable of doing it for themselves. Enabling, on the other hand, is doing things that the person could and should be doing for him or herself. Enabling behavior makes it easier for an addict to continue drinking or using drugs because the consequences aren’t bad enough to convince him or her to stop.

Following are the top ten actions that fall under the category of enabling.

1.  Taking on the addict’s responsibilities for them. For example, paying their overdue bills, cleaning their house, filling their car with gas, or buying them groceries.

2.  Telling lies for the addict, such as ‘calling in sick’ for them when they are actually too hung over to work.

3.  Making excuses for the addict’s behavior. Perhaps they act out in public, and you make the excuse that the addict has been working a lot of hours, so their behavior is due to stress.

4.  Bailing the addict out of jail or financial difficulty.

5.  Finishing a project that the addict failed to complete on his or her own.

6.  Cleaning up after the addict. Perhaps they throw a tantrum, throwing things around and breaking them, and you clean it up.

7.  Threatening to leave or kick the addict out of your home if he or she uses again, but failing to follow through on your threats.

8.  Accepting part of the blame for an addict’s bad behavior.

9.  Drinking or using drugs with an addict in an attempt to strengthen the relationship.

10. Avoiding issues that need to be addressed out of fear that the addict will become angry.

If you see yourself in any of the above examples, you may be enabling an alcoholic or addict. Knowledge is the first step toward positive change. Now that you are aware of these behaviors, you can start to steer yourself away from them, and avoid enabling a loved one’s addiction.

For  additional a list of addiction resources and a Free preview chapter of Soaring Above Co-Addiction: Helping your loved one get clean, while creating the life of your dreams, visit http://www.soaringabovecoaddiction.com

I wanted to share an activity from this book that can be helpful to those of us who love an addict. The activity is called: The divine in every person.  Here’s the activity:

For one week, make a conscious practice of seeing the unfolding of an aspect of  God (or spirit or love) in each person, regardless of the encounter. Let go of your judgements about what is “normal” or appropriate, and allow each situation to stand on its own, offering its particular gift.  You will probably have experiences in which the divine is fully expressed and felt, and others in which fear, anger, or some other reactionary feeling blocks the possibility of divine expression. They are all a part of the daily human experience.

At the end of each day, reflect on your experiences or encounters and see what each has to teach you about the essence of divinity, and how divinity moves in your midst.

After reading this last night, it struck me how often we judge the addict. Is it possible, for one week, to let go of all judgement, and only see the God, spirit, or love in them? How might that feel? We are each imperfect human beings trying to make our way — can we learn to accept this and see the love shining through him or her, instead of holding each person up to a standard? 

It’s only a one week commitment. I think its worth a try.

Have a wonderful week!

For those families who live with addiction, however, the holidays can be a challenging time. Not knowing what to expect from the addict can leave family members on edge. Because the problem is often kept quiet, the anxiety of the secret being exposed causes even further stress. Many times, family members will avoid social functions out of their fear of shame or embarrassment.

To make matters worse, alcoholic beverages are usually a mainstay at holiday gatherings. If a family member has an alcohol dependency, this causes yet another strain. The person with the alcohol dependency is left feeling like a child being watched, and the family members are unable to relax out of their fear of their loved one losing control. It’s no wonder that holiday arguments are a common theme for families dealing with addiction.

So how do you enjoy the holidays when there is an active addict in your life? Following are some tips for overcoming the anxiety and finding some peace this season:

Tip #1-  Take care of yourself. The holidays can get stressful, even without the issues of addiction. When you add in the problems that surround the addict, the stress can become overwhelming. Schedule in time just for yourself. You have a right to enjoy the season, and in order to do that you many need to distance yourself from the addict in your life. This doesn’t make you a bad parent, family member, or friend. In fact, this can be a wake up call for the addict — a reminder that the world does not revolve around him or her. Take time every day to relax, go shopping, exercise, take a long bath, meditate, or whatever activity helps you to feel peaceful and content.

Tip #2 – Learn about addiction and the challenges surrounding your loved one. It can be difficult to sympathize with the addict when they continue to make bad decisions. We just can’t understand why he or she won’t stop using or drinking. To the family, it seems that the addict just doesn’t care enough to quit. Resentment can easily build. Unfortunately, the addict’s brain is no longer functioning normally. Repeated drug use disrupts the systems in the brain, eventually causing a one-track mission to seek out more drugs. The addicted brain believes it needs the drugs or alcohol in order to survive. It isn’t simply a matter of willpower. Once we understand this, we can look for ways to help the addict to treatment, and stop taking their behavior personally.

Tip #3 – Stay focused on your own recovery. Although time restraints can tempt family members to skip recovery meetings, now, more than ever, it is important to take advantage of support groups. If you haven’t gotten involved in Al-Anon, or other recovery groups, this is an ideal time. Through these groups, loved ones of addicts can share their experience, struggles, and hope, in order to gain strength and solve their common problems.

Tip #4 – Let go of past resentments. Much of the stress that family members feel is due to the bad memories of past holidays. Rather than holding onto resentment, and expecting the same negative outcome, learn from the past. Some family traditions may need to change. For example, maybe it would be best for your family to go out for the holiday dinner. Wine and other alcoholic beverages should probably be left out of the plans. Perhaps a new tradition of going around the table, and each person sharing what they are grateful for this year, would be a nice way of keeping the atmosphere positive.

Tip #5 – Don’t hold your expectations too high. We all want the picture perfect holiday, but in reality, nothing is ever perfect. Every family has it’s challenges. Statistically, addiction affects one in four people. You are not alone. It’s time for families to open up and learn from each other. This is why family recovery meetings like Al-Anon are so important. Make smart changes to your family traditions in order to make the holidays less stressful. And, most importantly, relax and enjoy the good times. If we are constantly looking for a crisis to happen, it will likely show up. If, on the other hand, we work on being positive, and stay in a grateful state of mind, we are more likely to enjoy this holiday season.

As the wife of a recovering addict, it always seemed that the addiction would get worse during the holidays. In reality, the addiction wasn’t getting worse, but my stress revolved around the addiction would intensify. For weeks before a family gathering, I would worry about the outcome. Every time my husband would slip, my fear of our holiday being ruined by addiction would overwhelm me. Because I kept his addiction a secret for many years, my fear of the rest of our family finding out was just another reason to worry.

Once I opened up to family members, and started reaching out for help, a world of weight was lifted from my shoulders. I encourage you to reach out to the people who care about you, and let them help to lift your load. Learn to take care of yourself and relax a bit. And, most importantly, don’t take the holidays too seriously. It is a time to have fun and to be grateful. Regardless of whether or not there is an active addict in your life, you can still create happy memories and enjoy this holiday season.

For additional articles and resources visit  http://www.soaringabovecoaddiction.com

If you haven’t had a chance to read my book, here is a link to read the first chapter: http://www.soaringabovecoaddiction.com/freechapter.asp

I wish you a Wonderful week!

-Lisa Espich, http://www.soaringabovecoaddiction.com

October 31^st through November 6^th is National Drug Facts Week

Thanks to the technology of brain scans, scientists are learning more and more about addiction and it’s effects on the brain. Unfortunately, there are still many myths and misunderstandings that surround addiction. In spite of the fact that science is proving addiction to be a brain disease, there remains the notion that addicts are immoral. This belief results in feelings of shame and embarrassment, not only for the addict, but for their families as well.

An estimated 22.2 million Americans struggle with addiction. This is America’s number one health crisis. Whether it’s a family member, friend, or co-worker, it is difficult to find anybody who isn’t somehow effected by the devastation of addiction. Here are some of the facts:

• New statistics show that over 1,800 college students die every year from alcohol related injuries.
• Prescription drug abuse is the most rapidly increasing drug abuse among teens.
• 71%  of illegal drug users are employed.
• Alcoholism causes 500 million lost workdays each year.
• Relapse rates for addiction range between 50percent to 90 percent.
• Half of college students binge drink and/or abuse other drugs, and almost a quarter meet medical criteria for alcohol or drug dependence.
• Roughly 51.9 million people drink alcohol, including 17.1 million who are binge drinkers.
• Studies show that recovering women relapse less often than men. One reason is that women are more likely to take advantage of group counseling.
• In a study of over 1,800 alcohol dependent men and women (Schuckit, M.A.) abstainers were more likely than those who relapsed to have received treatment and to have attended twelve-step meetings.
• 5.7 million (26%) of public school students ages 12 to 17 say that their school is both gang and drug-infected.
• In 2009, more than one third of teens (8.7 million) said they can get prescription drugs to get high within a day; nearly one in five (4.7 million) could get them within an hour.
• Each day more than 13,000 children and teens take their first drink.
• In 2006, alcohol and other drugs were involved in 78 percent of violent crimes.
• For every $100 spent by state governments on substance abuse and addiction, the average spent on prevention treatment and research was $2.38.
• 90% of homeless have alcohol problems.
• Teen girls are more likely than boys to use over-the-counter drugs to get high.
• 85% of websites selling controlled prescription drugs do not require a prescription.
• In 2009, 4.8 million Americans age twelve and older had abused cocaine in any form and one million has abused crack at least once in the year prior to being surveyed.
• One in four Americans will have an alcohol or drug problem at some point in their lives.

It’s time to shatter the myths that revolve around addiction and learn the facts. National Drug Facts week was started by the National Institute of Drug Abuse (NIDA), which supports research on the health aspects of drug abuse and addiction. The purpose of this observance week was to provide education to teens around the nation. While the focus is on teens, it is a good time for every person to become better educated on the facts of addiction.

-Lisa Espich, author of “Soaring Above Co-Addiction: Helping your loved one get clean, while creating the life of your dreams.” http://www.soaringabovecoaddiction.com

Resources for this article: SAMHSA, National Survey on Drug Use and Health, Mcldlan, et.al., 2000. Comparison of Relapse Rates Between Drug Addiction and other Chronic Illnesses, The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University

Who was Enrique Camarena? He was an 11-year veteran of the DEA. In 1985, he was close to unlocking a multi-billion dollar drug pipeline, when he was kidnapped, brutally tortured, and murdered by Mexican drug traffickers. His death shed light on the dangers of drugs and the international scope on the drug trade.

How was Red Ribbon Week started? Shortly after Camarena’s death, Congressman Duncan Hunter and Camarena’s longtime friend Henry Lozano launched “Camarena’s Club” in Calexico, California (Camarena’s hometown). Hundreds of club members pledged to lead drug-free lives to honor the sacrifice made by Special Agent Enrique Camarena. Several state parent organizations then called on community groups to wear ribbons during the last week of October as a symbol of their drug-free commitment.

In 1988, the National Family Partnership (NFP) coordinated the first National Red Ribbon week with President Reagan and First Lady Nancy Reagan serving as honorary chairpersons. According to the NFP, more than 80 million people now participate in Red Ribbon events each year.

Will you wear your Red Ribbon this week? I know I will! Addiction is America’s number one health crisis. I know first hand the devastation that drugs can cause.

Over the course of nearly two decades, I had tried everything I could think of to scare, manipulate, or force Dean to get clean, but my attempts always failed. It was only after I turned my focus inward that everything changed. I now realize that I had played a part in the power addiction had over my family. Once I learned how to detach with love, focus on my own goals, and set healthy boundaries, Dean was finally able to gather the courage to accept help. Had I not taken healthy steps of my own, I’m not sure where we’d be today.

Thankfully, I don’t have to ponder that question, because we are celebrating recovery. While life isn’t perfect, and we are facing new challenges, we are stronger because of the battle we’ve fought. In many ways we are lucky, because our eyes have been opened to the simple joys in life. I am thankful for the smaller problems we face today (debt, struggling business, car troubles), these are a piece of cake compared to the problems we had faced in the past.

While recovery is one day at a time, my family is proof that recovery is possible. Addiction can be managed, and the addict can go on to live a productive and healthy life. Today I celebrate having Sunday off with my family, enjoying the beautiful weather outside, spending time with my grown son and his new girlfriend, taking an afternoon nap with my husband (as soon as I finish this post), and of course, I celebrate recovery!

There is no certain amount of drinking that tells us somebody has an alcohol dependency. You can’t determine signs of alcoholism by whether or not a person consumes two drinks versus six. One person may have cocktails every night but show no signs of alcoholism, while another drinks only on the weekends and shows obvious signs.

Following are ten warning signs that social drinking may have crossed over to problem drinking:

1. Missing work or school due to late night partying.

2. A decline in energy levels and motivation.

3. Showing a lack of interest in activities that used to be important to them.

4. Intense mood swings that cause the people around him or her to feel as though they need to walk on eggshells.

5. A change in tolerance level. Maybe the person used to have two or three drinks at a function, but now they have five or six.

6. Becoming unreliable and missing regular appointments or activities.

7. Having blackouts or difficulty remembering what he or she did while drinking.

8. Telling lies to cover up their drinking.

9. Sleeping more than usual.

10. Having sudden financial difficulty.

If your loved one is showing any of these warning signs he or she may have a drinking problem. Awareness by family and friends is a start, but denial is a common symptom of alcoholism. It is likely that initial conversations around the topic of “a drinking problem” will result in a defensive response.

Family and friends can make a big difference in the recovery of alcoholism, but approaching the problem in the healthiest way is key. One of the best ways to learn how to help your loved one is through twelve-step programs such as Al-Anon. There are also online support groups, blogs, and websites that can help educate and prepare you for helping your loved one through this challenge.

I was more than aware of our monetary problems, but, up to now, the addiction was the higher priority. I suppose that trying to deal with both issues at the same time was too overwhelming for me, so I buried my head in the sand when it came to our finances.

But now, as we entered this new chapter, we were forced to face the consequences of financial irresponsibility. With our credit cards maxed out, the equity in our home borrowed against (addiction treatment is not cheap), and our savings wiped out, a new challenge stood before us.

I understood how harmful stress can be on recovery. Money problems are enough to drive any marriage apart, when you add in the problems of addiction, it can be a devastating mix. I came to realize how important it was for me to accept responsibility for my own role in our debt.

Although I was the one in charge of managing our finances, I had allowed my husband’s threats, tantrums, and depression to break me down. I gave in, over and over again, handing him money that I knew we couldn’t afford. The addiction had zapped us both of our strength. Dean lacked the strength to say no to his drugs, and I lacked the strength to say no to Dean.

Knowing that continued resentment could only tear us apart and possibly lead to relapse, we made a pact to work together to get through this next hurdle. If our marriage could survive addiction, it could certainly survive the challenge of debt .

The first step was digging in and figuring out exactly where we stood. We sat down and listed the balances in our checking and savings accounts (which were alarmingly low), the amounts owed on credit cards (alarmingly high), and any outstanding loans. We made a list of our monthly expenses (looking for opportunities to cut down on certain expenses). Last, but not least, we reviewed our credit reports from each of the three Credit Bureaus:

Experian, http://www.experian.com

Equifax, http://www.equifax.com/home/en_us

TransUnion, https://www.transunion.com/　

While this process was difficult, it was also vital. Knowledge is power, and knowing where we stood made it possible to design a roadmap that would guide us out of our debt. Now, several years later, by following a plan and budget, we are nearly debt free.

Is it time to look at your own financial reality? Sometimes the hardest part can be facing the truth, but it’s the first and most important step. Once you know where you stand, you can make a plan. While addiction can cause long-lasting financial strain, through acceptance, forgiveness, and planning, you can overcome these effects and eventually achieve financial recovery.